I just want to freefall for a while

For the record, I'm going to see how many times I can start an entry with a song lyric.
Today's song: Wild at Heart by Gloriana

Good News: I officially joined CrossFit. This means I now get to work out everyday and want to die everyday but I also get to see some wicked results. As of right now, I can currently lift 55 lbs in some type of lift. I look forward to not being completely sore in my shoulders. I also look forward to making that number larger.

Bad News: Everyone around Tom, which means many people around me, are getting sick. His little brother is sick in bed and throwing up, his roommates have all been sick at one time or another in the past week, and his older brother was in the ER with a concussion Monday night. I know that last one isn't an illness, but it's still no fun to deal with.

Indifferent News: I have no idea about how I did on my Span. Literature test. Analyzing poetry in Spanish is definitely not my strong point, but once I got into it, I was able to get some good ideas down on the paper.

Things I love: Wearing rain boots, eating TEA Cafe chicken fried rice with a peach tea and my boyfriend, getting to sleep through rain instead of swimming, laughing with my roommate, and getting tickled so much i can't even laugh out loud. I love that my classes may suck but my friends are right there with me. I love getting people addicted to Junebug Weddings and daydreaming about the future.

Things I don't love so much: nonstop rain, John being too sick to play laser tag tomorrow, how easily i get upset when i'm tired, the constant ache in my shoulders and back and arms.

decisions

i broke up with carter in september. by october i was dating tom. seven months later, im in love with tom, but still in love with carter.

this wasn't the plan. the plan was to date different guys, have fun and never have anything serious. the plan was to bide my time until i could be with carter for real. of course, real life was completely different. carter met someone and started dating her. i hate her for this. i don't even know her, and i hate that she could make him happy in a way i never could- she could be there everyday for things i always missed. i hate thinking he could love her more, that she could be prettier/smarter/funnier/better than me. but somehow, it was okay if i felt like that about tom. if i loved tom more, if i thought he was better for me.

i guess it would be easier if they were completely different, if i could point at one and know that he was the best fit for me and the person i'd love to marry. instead, i fell for two similar yet very different guys, and i can't choose one. how do you choose between the person who helped you grow up and get through all the drama of graduating and going to college and the person who helped you become an adult who could handle the hardest semester of college and pass it all with flying colors? how do you choose between the sexy mysterious dark-haired boy and the charming, outspoken who could be my twin in looks? what do you do when a trait you loved in one is present in the other? when they both hate ketchup, love flogging molly, bleed school spirit, are the most intelligent boys i've ever talked to, know all my moods and how to make me happy.

why do i have to make this decision? i wish i could have a father to decide my marriage for me, or a duel between the two just so i wouldn't have to deal with the pain of breaking my heart while breaking someone else's. i want one of them to decide for me. i want to be completely happy and in love with whoever i'm with and i want them to be completely happy and in love with me. i know that only one of them can do that now, but is it wrong to date him and always wait for the other? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? did i screw up the best thing i ever had only to find something better? is ending what i have now and never knowing what could be the wisest choice? is going back to someone it never really worked with a good idea?

am i really just too scared of being alone? part of me worries that tom will break up with me someday and that carter wont be there anymore and i'll be alone. the other part worries that i'll break up with one for the other, and it won't work and i'll have destroyed an amazing thing all on my own and i'll have to live with that. where did the confident girl that i used to be go? was i only like that because in the back of my mind i'd always thought carter would be the one to catch me when i needed him to?

i want to tell them both everything, but there's too much that could hurt them both. i've given both of them every part of me, and i'm scared i won't get all of myself back. i can be happy with them both, but i can't bear to lie to either one of them. i can't stand watching tom fall more in love with me knowing that part of me still loves a boy who may not love me back. i feel like such a whore- more than i ever have, including when i physically cheated on a boyfriend.

i need to make this decision soon before someone gets hurt even worse, but how can i? i've lost track of what i want and need in the sight of what they need, what my parents think is best, who my friends like better, and how desperately i want both of their families to like me. i can't decide who is best because i'll be shutting a door on the other, and i can't bear to leave myself open to being left all alone.

Carter:
Pros:

• knows me better than i know myself most of the time
• i know him better than anyone, or at least i did before his new girlfriend
  
• it's familiar, safe and comfortable
• my parents love him, he likes them, and i love his family and know they like me too
• he knows what he wants in life and will work to get those goals
  
• can provide for me if we do get married
• all our inside jokes, nicknames, stupid traditions and memories. all my jewelry that i love is from him.
• put up with me through all of the drama i had, and stayed with me even though i cheated.
  

Cons:

• DISTANCE.
• both of us have dreams that we dont want to sacrifice to be together.
• i can't forgive him for not telling me he slept with his girlfriend right away.
• he can't forgive me for cheating on him, and breaking up with him.
• we have completely separate lives now.
• different ideas on being a Christian, and neither one of us wants to change.
  

Tom:
Pros:

• he is close by and i can see him everyday
• i know exactly what he'd be like to live with
• we compliment eachother in ways i cant even name
• he treats me like i'm the most precious thing he's ever had.
• we have similiar ideas about where we want to end up
• he can provide for me very well when he's out of school
• he gets how i feel about religion
• hes seen the worst i have, and doesn't care.
• the physical attraction is insane- i've never had anything like it.
  

Cons:

• Our tempers are so different that it's hard for us to get through a problem
• i still don't think his brother/roommates approve of me, and it makes me want to stay away from them, leading him to spend more time away from them
• he's so laid back it sometimes seems that he doesn't care about me
• i'm too much of a flirt/party girl for him sometimes

that didn't help me at all. way to go. ive told tom a lot of this, and carter has heard a lot of it too but both of them are choosing to tell me they want to see me happy, and that it's the most important thing to them. one of them told me to not hurt the other one for him, because he wasn't worth it. damn it, that's not what i want. i want someone to fight for me, to say that he wants to be with me more than anything, and that i belong to him. i want someone to make me feel needed and like i am the only person they can see themselves with. only one guy can do that right now, but he still hasnt come right out and said it. I WANT TO BE PURSUED. more than anything, i want one guy who will do everything and anything to be with me. i need that. because i'm waiting to do that for a guy who's willing to do that for me.

i think i just need to be told im a bitch, and then told to get over myself. and then i just want one of these guys to decide for me.

restoring my faith in humanity

this is the coolest video I've ever seen.



I really want to do something like this. it restores my faith in humanity. i love the idea of people getting together to do something to make the day of others. speaking of making others' days...how is this for an awesome idea?

ready for it?

for your birthday, do one random act of kindness for each year you've been living. then, ask one friend for each year you've been living to do a random act of kindness in honor of you. and voila....people making people smile, all around the city/state/country/world.

i want my life to be lovely. i want people who are in my life to have lovely lives. and i think this is the way to get there.


....make the most of the time you have.... -the beckoning of lovely

Random days

so, my week since Wednesday has been pretty much awful. Wednesday night, Tom was sick, and really wanted me to stay at his place to make sure he wasn't going to pass out while he was sleeping. If Tom says he needs me, he really does. He can take care of himself pretty well. So, I came over. (Next door...it's nice living next to your boyfriend) We went to bed a little bit before midnight, and slept until about 2. At 2 am, his roommates decided that it was time for me to go home, and opened the door to his room and turned on the light. They announced that it was time for me to go home, and watched me put my sweatshirt and sweatpants over my pajamas. Then I had to walk past all 3 of them on the way to the door. I understand that they aren't comfortable with me spending the night there, but damn, that's the worst way to get the point across. I've never felt more ashamed in my life, and I didn't even do anything! The worst part is, these guys are supposed to be Christian leaders for high schoolers.....hmmmm....not so much. I was pretty sure they all hated me, and that just sucked.

I spent most of Thursday alternating between anger and crying, and thank God for my amazing friends who've been dealing with it all. It's better now- Tom talked to the one who started it, and although he says that I'm welcome at their apartment, I still don't trust them enough to go over there. I think that one actually likes me, but I'm still not sure how the other 3 feel about me. It just sucks to have the trust taken away. I don't even feel comfortable having the one who started it over here, which sucks because he's dating my roommate that I don't get along with. Thank God Tom's on my side and stuck up for me.

Speaking of Tom, the boy now has pneumonia, which means he had a legit reason to want me to stay that night. I took him to the doctor on Friday, and he literally spent all morning there. He's been feeling pretty awful, so my weekend consisted of watching TV and movies with him until he fell asleep, and making sure he eats and takes his medicine since he's out of it most of the time. I spent Valentine's Day grocery shopping with him, and for our dinner date, we got Johnny Carino's pasta to go. (I know, super romantic) His parents know I'm taking care of him, so his dad reminded Tom to make it up to me...so maybe I'll get a Valentine's Day later this week.

Tomorrow I'll spend all morning and part of the afternoon at auditions for Scandals. I'll be the one not dressed in all red, white and pink. My shoes will be rocking though :)

this quote's been sticking with me a lot: "Preach the gospel at all times- if necessary, use words." -St. Francis of Assisi

I'm back....

There's so much I haven't written about, but I'm too lazy and forgetful to try and write it all down. So I'm just pretending it's all up to date.

I am officially sore. HARDCORE so sore I can barely sit up straight or walk. Why? Because my loving boyfriend Tom, has decided to help me get back into my athletic, fit shape that I had for about a year when I first came to college. He does this by having me do modified Crossfit workouts. This is my third one I've done, but I'm pretty sure it's the worst. I had to do 5 push-ups, 10 sit-ups, and 15 squats in a round, and try to do as many rounds as I could in 20 minutes. I'm a smartass and decided that I'd do 15 sit-ups and 10 squats because I can't stand squats, and that decision is up there on the list of stupidest decisions I've ever made (beaten only by getting so drunk I threw up for 2 hours the weekend of OU/TX 09). I keep telling myself that I'm going to love the results, but it's hard to get up to go and workout when just walking up and down steps kills you. Blah.

Scandals Exec has taken over my Wednesday nights. I'm so excited to be a stage manager again, even though it's not the same as in theatre. I get to wear all black and be awesome again! Until then, I'm bored and not really doing anything. Auditions for the show are Sunday, so that'll be fun.

Speaking of Sundays, I'm going to help teach 2nd grade sunday school at Journey! YAY! Also, I hopefully get to start singing in the praise band for sunday school too. I'm really nervous because I haven't sang in front of anyone for real since high school, and I didn't think I was that great then. Tom is wonderful and has always been telling me I sound great and wanting me to sing when we're playing Rockband. He's pretty much the reason I'm doing that.

Classes are super busy...something's due all the time. I hate it. This semester is going to kill me....speaking of class, I have to go get ready and then head out.