holding pattern

So...it'll be 2 years for me and Tom in October. That's crazy. Unfortunately, we are now entering what shall hereafter be referred to as "the holding pattern." This is going to be the hardest part of our relationship, because we know we want to be married, but we also have things we want to do before we're married. Tom's going to finish his Master's degree and get a real, full-time, family-supporting job and I've got to student teach and go teach English in Spain for a year. With all of this, there's no point in getting engaged anytime soon. Especially because I am an incredibly picky girl who only likes vintage rings that are expensive and with TONS of diamonds.

I know that I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who thinks about our future and wants to make sure he can support me before he does anything. I know that I can't go to Spain for a year if I'm planning a wedding or married. I know I'm only 22 and have plenty of time. I know that when we get engaged and married doesn't prove how much or little Tom and I love each other. I know all these things in my heart, but when everyone I know is getting engaged, married, or having kids....it's hard to not want that too. Tom's been great, but it's not the same for him. He hasn't sat through engagement circles knowing girls are assuming it's you. We've both put up with friends and people asking when they'll be at our wedding. It's just incredibly frustrating to not get to do what I'm dying to do...say yes to the man I love more than I ever thought possible.

There's not really much I can do. I can be patient, and learn to cook, and to be joyful through hard situations. I can try to be a better woman so that when he does ask me, there won't be any reason for anyone to EVER question our relationship and our future and his choice. I'm also TERRIFIED of leaving for a year in Spain. What are we going to do when we can only Skype and email for that long? We can barely handle a summer apart, much less months and months. I'm scared I'll go back to my old ways and be a terrible girlfriend. Sometimes I imagine skipping out on Spain to get a real job somewhere so that things can happen faster, but Tom won't let me give up on my dreams for him. I love that, but part of me wishes he'd say he'd love for me to stay so we can be married sooner.

This really is the lamest complaint ever. "Poor me, my boyfriend wants to wait until he can give me everything to propose and marry me." Whatever, it's my life and it's a problem to me. I can't wait until I can see him again so that I can just enjoy having this time of being young and in love and without all the grownup worries of money and jobs.

Instead of writing a paper, I give you this list. And because I'm super forgetful and don't ever want to forget how my relationship is right now. I love being where we are, I love where we're going, and I LOVE the idea of proving everyone wrong when our relationship is made better by me being in Spain for a year.

Who is your man? Tom, otherwise known as Thomas, Tomas, Tom T. Harrison

How long have you been together? 1 and 1/2 years (straight!)

How long did you date? 1 and 1/2 years.

How old is your man? 22. he's 5 days older than me.

Who eats more? depends what it is, and how hungry I am. I guess Tom though.

Who said "I love you" first? I don't know...I think I said it, he thinks he said it.

Who is taller? Tom by 3 inches.

Who sings better? me

Who is smarter? Tom's an aerospace engineer...I'm a early childhood ed major. Those are two very different types of smarts.

Whose temper is worse? Mine's quicker, but his lasts longer.

Who does the laundry? We do our own, but I help fold his.

Who takes out the garbage? We take out our own, but we help each other sometimes.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? No one...since we dont live together, we each take the middle of our own beds.

Who pays the bills? This question doesn't apply.

Who is better with the computer? Tom, but I am WAY better at using google and facebook.

Who mows the lawn? not applicable.

Who cooks dinner? TOM. I'll help, or be moral support or do homework. Usually, I just talk to him about whatever's going on in my head.

Who drives when you are together? Tom. Unless we're going through a big city, and then I do because I'm a Houston driver.

Who pays when you go out? 75% Tom/25& Me.

Who is most stubborn? Me, and we both know it.

Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Me.

Whose parents do you see the most? Tom's.

Who asked who out? Our first date was the result of a Mario Kart bet....he lost 3 out of 4 games, so he had to take me to dinner. and no, he didn't try to lose! It was the first and only time I won that many races...

Who proposed? not applicable, but we all know I won't be the one proposing.

Who wears the pants in the family? i have no idea.

i suck at doing these

wow...it's been FOREVER since I updated this. Time for more bullet points:

• I work for Girl Scouts teaching robotics classes, even though I have no idea what I'm doing. I love my 5th graders :)
• I graduate in MAY!!! (and I'm starting to freak out about the real world)
• I'm applying to teach English in Spain for a year after I graduate. Cross your fingers I get to go.
• I really think I want to be a bilingual teacher when I start teaching, but I still want to work at a museum so who knows.
• Tom and I are still together. I'm his date to his brother's wedding where he's the best man, so that will be our first big event as a couple. I'm REALLY nervous about meeting everyone and hopefully making a good impression on them.

Tom spent VDay at home with his family celebrating his brother's birthday, and since I can't go because of Scandals auditions, he made me a scavenger hunt around the apartment. He left me a card with my hints and then I got to find different types of chocolate and then a new Bible with a pretty blue and green cover. It was AMAZING. I fell in love with him a little more for that.

I really like taking my Holocaust class. The kids in the class are all different majors, but we're all really interested in the topic, and the professor is one of the best I've ever had. This is why I love college so much....I get to do stuff like this.

CrossFit is going fairly well. I moved up from the lowest workouts and I'm now on the second level out of 4...which is fine with me. I can flip a 185lb tire, which made me feel so badass. I really want to keep going because I love how I feel when I do something I didn't think I'd ever be able to do. Along with that, I'm starting to run more, and I'm also trying to eat more protein and fruits/vegetables and less carbs. I love carbs though, so I'm struggling with that.

I just want to freefall for a while

For the record, I'm going to see how many times I can start an entry with a song lyric.
Today's song: Wild at Heart by Gloriana

Good News: I officially joined CrossFit. This means I now get to work out everyday and want to die everyday but I also get to see some wicked results. As of right now, I can currently lift 55 lbs in some type of lift. I look forward to not being completely sore in my shoulders. I also look forward to making that number larger.

Bad News: Everyone around Tom, which means many people around me, are getting sick. His little brother is sick in bed and throwing up, his roommates have all been sick at one time or another in the past week, and his older brother was in the ER with a concussion Monday night. I know that last one isn't an illness, but it's still no fun to deal with.

Indifferent News: I have no idea about how I did on my Span. Literature test. Analyzing poetry in Spanish is definitely not my strong point, but once I got into it, I was able to get some good ideas down on the paper.

Things I love: Wearing rain boots, eating TEA Cafe chicken fried rice with a peach tea and my boyfriend, getting to sleep through rain instead of swimming, laughing with my roommate, and getting tickled so much i can't even laugh out loud. I love that my classes may suck but my friends are right there with me. I love getting people addicted to Junebug Weddings and daydreaming about the future.

Things I don't love so much: nonstop rain, John being too sick to play laser tag tomorrow, how easily i get upset when i'm tired, the constant ache in my shoulders and back and arms.

decisions

i broke up with carter in september. by october i was dating tom. seven months later, im in love with tom, but still in love with carter.

this wasn't the plan. the plan was to date different guys, have fun and never have anything serious. the plan was to bide my time until i could be with carter for real. of course, real life was completely different. carter met someone and started dating her. i hate her for this. i don't even know her, and i hate that she could make him happy in a way i never could- she could be there everyday for things i always missed. i hate thinking he could love her more, that she could be prettier/smarter/funnier/better than me. but somehow, it was okay if i felt like that about tom. if i loved tom more, if i thought he was better for me.

i guess it would be easier if they were completely different, if i could point at one and know that he was the best fit for me and the person i'd love to marry. instead, i fell for two similar yet very different guys, and i can't choose one. how do you choose between the person who helped you grow up and get through all the drama of graduating and going to college and the person who helped you become an adult who could handle the hardest semester of college and pass it all with flying colors? how do you choose between the sexy mysterious dark-haired boy and the charming, outspoken who could be my twin in looks? what do you do when a trait you loved in one is present in the other? when they both hate ketchup, love flogging molly, bleed school spirit, are the most intelligent boys i've ever talked to, know all my moods and how to make me happy.

why do i have to make this decision? i wish i could have a father to decide my marriage for me, or a duel between the two just so i wouldn't have to deal with the pain of breaking my heart while breaking someone else's. i want one of them to decide for me. i want to be completely happy and in love with whoever i'm with and i want them to be completely happy and in love with me. i know that only one of them can do that now, but is it wrong to date him and always wait for the other? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? did i screw up the best thing i ever had only to find something better? is ending what i have now and never knowing what could be the wisest choice? is going back to someone it never really worked with a good idea?

am i really just too scared of being alone? part of me worries that tom will break up with me someday and that carter wont be there anymore and i'll be alone. the other part worries that i'll break up with one for the other, and it won't work and i'll have destroyed an amazing thing all on my own and i'll have to live with that. where did the confident girl that i used to be go? was i only like that because in the back of my mind i'd always thought carter would be the one to catch me when i needed him to?

i want to tell them both everything, but there's too much that could hurt them both. i've given both of them every part of me, and i'm scared i won't get all of myself back. i can be happy with them both, but i can't bear to lie to either one of them. i can't stand watching tom fall more in love with me knowing that part of me still loves a boy who may not love me back. i feel like such a whore- more than i ever have, including when i physically cheated on a boyfriend.

i need to make this decision soon before someone gets hurt even worse, but how can i? i've lost track of what i want and need in the sight of what they need, what my parents think is best, who my friends like better, and how desperately i want both of their families to like me. i can't decide who is best because i'll be shutting a door on the other, and i can't bear to leave myself open to being left all alone.

Carter:
Pros:

• knows me better than i know myself most of the time
• i know him better than anyone, or at least i did before his new girlfriend
  
• it's familiar, safe and comfortable
• my parents love him, he likes them, and i love his family and know they like me too
• he knows what he wants in life and will work to get those goals
  
• can provide for me if we do get married
• all our inside jokes, nicknames, stupid traditions and memories. all my jewelry that i love is from him.
• put up with me through all of the drama i had, and stayed with me even though i cheated.
  

Cons:

• DISTANCE.
• both of us have dreams that we dont want to sacrifice to be together.
• i can't forgive him for not telling me he slept with his girlfriend right away.
• he can't forgive me for cheating on him, and breaking up with him.
• we have completely separate lives now.
• different ideas on being a Christian, and neither one of us wants to change.
  

Tom:
Pros:

• he is close by and i can see him everyday
• i know exactly what he'd be like to live with
• we compliment eachother in ways i cant even name
• he treats me like i'm the most precious thing he's ever had.
• we have similiar ideas about where we want to end up
• he can provide for me very well when he's out of school
• he gets how i feel about religion
• hes seen the worst i have, and doesn't care.
• the physical attraction is insane- i've never had anything like it.
  

Cons:

• Our tempers are so different that it's hard for us to get through a problem
• i still don't think his brother/roommates approve of me, and it makes me want to stay away from them, leading him to spend more time away from them
• he's so laid back it sometimes seems that he doesn't care about me
• i'm too much of a flirt/party girl for him sometimes

that didn't help me at all. way to go. ive told tom a lot of this, and carter has heard a lot of it too but both of them are choosing to tell me they want to see me happy, and that it's the most important thing to them. one of them told me to not hurt the other one for him, because he wasn't worth it. damn it, that's not what i want. i want someone to fight for me, to say that he wants to be with me more than anything, and that i belong to him. i want someone to make me feel needed and like i am the only person they can see themselves with. only one guy can do that right now, but he still hasnt come right out and said it. I WANT TO BE PURSUED. more than anything, i want one guy who will do everything and anything to be with me. i need that. because i'm waiting to do that for a guy who's willing to do that for me.

i think i just need to be told im a bitch, and then told to get over myself. and then i just want one of these guys to decide for me.

restoring my faith in humanity

this is the coolest video I've ever seen.



I really want to do something like this. it restores my faith in humanity. i love the idea of people getting together to do something to make the day of others. speaking of making others' days...how is this for an awesome idea?

ready for it?

for your birthday, do one random act of kindness for each year you've been living. then, ask one friend for each year you've been living to do a random act of kindness in honor of you. and voila....people making people smile, all around the city/state/country/world.

i want my life to be lovely. i want people who are in my life to have lovely lives. and i think this is the way to get there.


....make the most of the time you have.... -the beckoning of lovely

Random days

so, my week since Wednesday has been pretty much awful. Wednesday night, Tom was sick, and really wanted me to stay at his place to make sure he wasn't going to pass out while he was sleeping. If Tom says he needs me, he really does. He can take care of himself pretty well. So, I came over. (Next door...it's nice living next to your boyfriend) We went to bed a little bit before midnight, and slept until about 2. At 2 am, his roommates decided that it was time for me to go home, and opened the door to his room and turned on the light. They announced that it was time for me to go home, and watched me put my sweatshirt and sweatpants over my pajamas. Then I had to walk past all 3 of them on the way to the door. I understand that they aren't comfortable with me spending the night there, but damn, that's the worst way to get the point across. I've never felt more ashamed in my life, and I didn't even do anything! The worst part is, these guys are supposed to be Christian leaders for high schoolers.....hmmmm....not so much. I was pretty sure they all hated me, and that just sucked.

I spent most of Thursday alternating between anger and crying, and thank God for my amazing friends who've been dealing with it all. It's better now- Tom talked to the one who started it, and although he says that I'm welcome at their apartment, I still don't trust them enough to go over there. I think that one actually likes me, but I'm still not sure how the other 3 feel about me. It just sucks to have the trust taken away. I don't even feel comfortable having the one who started it over here, which sucks because he's dating my roommate that I don't get along with. Thank God Tom's on my side and stuck up for me.

Speaking of Tom, the boy now has pneumonia, which means he had a legit reason to want me to stay that night. I took him to the doctor on Friday, and he literally spent all morning there. He's been feeling pretty awful, so my weekend consisted of watching TV and movies with him until he fell asleep, and making sure he eats and takes his medicine since he's out of it most of the time. I spent Valentine's Day grocery shopping with him, and for our dinner date, we got Johnny Carino's pasta to go. (I know, super romantic) His parents know I'm taking care of him, so his dad reminded Tom to make it up to me...so maybe I'll get a Valentine's Day later this week.

Tomorrow I'll spend all morning and part of the afternoon at auditions for Scandals. I'll be the one not dressed in all red, white and pink. My shoes will be rocking though :)

this quote's been sticking with me a lot: "Preach the gospel at all times- if necessary, use words." -St. Francis of Assisi